it’s all sadness for the moment. lose and yearning. grasping at all the moments that are gone. the only one i was comfortable dancing with. thrown over my shoulder with great happiness. headbutts and couch nap demands.

he’s gone. and it’s going to take a long time for it to really really sink in. i’m still expecting the meows and the run to the door when I get home. still surprisingly heartbroken when nothing wakes me up in the morning before the alarm goes off. he would let me bite his ear and I don’t know why. he had a little crazy one toothed sneer sometimes. he would crawl up onto my shoulder so I’d be forced to hold him there. the house seems so quiet with out him.

he never wanted me to sleep in. it wasn’t about being fed either. he just wanted me up and into the living room. he was quiet happy if I got up and went back to sleep on the couch. he’d curly up and sleep with me then. I’d wake up with him next to me on his back all stretched out. he’d look up at me in what seemed perfect happiness.

this isn’t the whole story by any stretch. these are just the good memories I’m focussed while I can’t sleep.