this loneliness ain’t pretty no more

it’s one of those times i’d rather not be vague. but i will. i always will. i don’t feel this is the place for anything clear cut. it’s coming up to a time that i never thought i’d see. beginings that turned into endings. and there’s a sadness in that. but that’s ok. things turn and change and morph into other things. you don’t always see the way this is going to happen. but it does. and you can find a goodness in that. if you’re lucky. you lose somethings. you keep others. you gain some. but it’s still hard. with the strenghth ebing. i need a boost. i could use something easy for awhile. but that’s not really the path i pick for myself very often. so many buts. drifting back to a time years ago. in another place. in the rain.

and christmases were beautiful

back to a song again. it doesn’t necessarily even fit. but there it is. a feeling carried along at least. open to misinterpretation by others because it’s my little misinterpretation in the first place. and i’m wondering if this is finally it. if it will finally be broken this time. it seems like it’s been trying for a long time. there was a break at least. for awhile. but these are the paths i choose for myself. both intentionally and not. i’ll let this play on repeat for awhile. and then i’ll get up. dust myself off. do what needs to be done. and wait for these days ahead to see how they play out. next year will be different. as each one is.

Will you say to them when I’m gone away

here’s where it’s easy. here’s where it comes out. in it’s own cryptic way. ask me another way and it’s not. ask me at all. and it locks up tight. and runs in circles. understanding doesn’t mean it’s fixed.

someone called me strong. and i brushed it off. i played it down. but it still felt good for someone to see that about me. not that i feel like i’ve got a choice in the matter. i’m just doing what i need to do to function. the other options just aren’t options.

english girls can be so mean.

a turn of a phrase. a coining of a term. a flip of a switch. and it’s off. no point in talking about it. nothing will slow it down. the usual symptoms. and this to will pass. but not yet. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. but here it is. this time of year. this season. brining out what it does. running in circles now. the endless loop. deep worn grooves.