constant sleep is catching up with me. the time is shifting again. it the city still glows grey. hidden under it’s snowy blanket. and me watching the street under my window. i feel my strength returning here.
what a christmas. plane flights with more time spent on the plane then actually flying. way to much snow. getting the flu and throwing up christmas dinner. but still. good times spent with family. and that’s the important part.
another day done. a day of days. that passed in a low key way. and it’s the eve for me. but it’s not building up. they way it does. the way it should. this year could be a first. it could be a pattern. or it could be a one off. lets hope for that. lets hope that just for this year i’m to tired. to worn down. done with being strong.
it’s one of those times i’d rather not be vague. but i will. i always will. i don’t feel this is the place for anything clear cut. it’s coming up to a time that i never thought i’d see. beginings that turned into endings. and there’s a sadness in that. but that’s ok. things turn and change and morph into other things. you don’t always see the way this is going to happen. but it does. and you can find a goodness in that. if you’re lucky. you lose somethings. you keep others. you gain some. but it’s still hard. with the strenghth ebing. i need a boost. i could use something easy for awhile. but that’s not really the path i pick for myself very often. so many buts. drifting back to a time years ago. in another place. in the rain.
a far to long day is coming to a close. a short trip turned into a long wait in a plane wondering if we were even going to go anywhere. but that’s over now. and here i am. 12 hours and there’s things i already miss.
the snow is falling and there’s no one to write to. it’s just me and my cat standing in the window. watching the people pass. the slow flakes falling. the sky glowing grey. a sad christmas song playing softly behind me. i like my city this way. even if it doesn’t really know how to cope with it.
back to a song again. it doesn’t necessarily even fit. but there it is. a feeling carried along at least. open to misinterpretation by others because it’s my little misinterpretation in the first place. and i’m wondering if this is finally it. if it will finally be broken this time. it seems like it’s been trying for a long time. there was a break at least. for awhile. but these are the paths i choose for myself. both intentionally and not. i’ll let this play on repeat for awhile. and then i’ll get up. dust myself off. do what needs to be done. and wait for these days ahead to see how they play out. next year will be different. as each one is.
here’s where it’s easy. here’s where it comes out. in it’s own cryptic way. ask me another way and it’s not. ask me at all. and it locks up tight. and runs in circles. understanding doesn’t mean it’s fixed.
someone called me strong. and i brushed it off. i played it down. but it still felt good for someone to see that about me. not that i feel like i’ve got a choice in the matter. i’m just doing what i need to do to function. the other options just aren’t options.
none of it fits. nothing feels right. it’s not strong enough. for something spread so far and so thin. one more level of removal. a sadness now carried around the globe and back again. so i’ll sit and think fondly of someone i never met. and won’t get to. someone i wished i had.
a turn of a phrase. a coining of a term. a flip of a switch. and it’s off. no point in talking about it. nothing will slow it down. the usual symptoms. and this to will pass. but not yet. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. but here it is. this time of year. this season. brining out what it does. running in circles now. the endless loop. deep worn grooves.